Saturday, October 15, 2005

customer service rants

Heres my complaint o' the day.

Its my girlfriends birthday. I ordered her some flowers to be delivered to her place of work. I specified the time she would be there (after 10:30). I specified not to call her there. Call me if theres a problem, I said.

What did they do?

They tried to deliver at 9:00 am. They left a note on the door. They called the business number and left a message saying they tried to deliver flowers. She called them. They said they might not be able to deliver them today.

.....Meanwhile

Im at work, thinking that the flowers are probably there already. I call to see if shes gotten them and find out the series of events above.

Sigh.

I have a reputation as being very customer-service hypersensitive. I dont like to perpetuate this reputation, but WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!!?? WHY DO THEY ASK YOU WHAT TIME YOU WANT SOMETHING DELIVERED IF THEYRE JUST GOING TO BIG BLACK COCKS FUCK IT UP?

So, I called to complain, because at this point, she still hadn't recieved the flowers.

Them: Good Morning, ***** Flowers.
Me: Hi, I ordered some flowers to be delivered and Im very unsatisfied.
Them: Ok, let me see if I can find you a manager
(hold music)
Manager: Hello, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I ordered flowers to be delivered today at a specific time, and they were delivered early, then they left a note and called the recipient, which I specifically asked they not do, and the flowers still haven't been delivered, and they are right down the street from you, which is why I called you in the first place..
Manager: Oh, Um, whats your name?
Me: Matthew Simmons
Manager: Let me see what I can find out..
(more hold music)
Manager: OK, the flowers are on their way
Me: Uh-huh?
Manager: They're being delivered now.
Me: Right, So thats it?
Manager: Um, yes
Me: What do you plan to do about the fact that you totally screwed up this order?
Manager: Well, Um, what do you want?

(Let me interject Here. I wasnt after money. I would have been happy with a basic apology. An admission of guilt. A simple "We're sorry we botched your girlfriends birthday. And for me, I was pretty sedate. I didnt call up screaming and yelling and demanding someones head on a spike. I just said I was unhappy and wanted to talk to someone about it. But I was really taken aback by this response. What do you want? I'd never heard that one. I figured it should have seemed pretty obvious that an apology would be sufficient. This place has been in business awhile. Surely they've had to say "We're sorry" at some point in the past. Maybe not.)

Me: What do I want? Thats what you do there when someones unhappy? You ask them what they want?
Manager: Yep.
Me: (figuring they asked for it) Ok, I want the flowers for spring thomas!
Manager: Oh, um, well, I dont know if we can do that..(shuffling papers) Im going to have to look through some purchase orders..what did you say your name was again?

(I tell her again)

Manager: let me see what I can do and call you back.
Me: All right.

A little time goes by and she calls back.

Manager: Hi, this is ***** flowers calling.
Me: Hello.
Manager: Ok, we can take half off.
Me: Ok, thats it?
Manager: Yep.
Me: Ok then.
Manager: Ok.
Me: Nothing else to say, then?
Manager: No.
Me: Ok, goodbye.

Now this is pretty funny, because I just went to a seminar yesterday that I was dreading, the *FISH* seminar, which is all about having fun at work and pleasing customers with your fun attitude and blah blah blah. After yesterdays teachings, I can definitely say that this person did not:

Choose the correct attitude
'Be there' for the customer
'Make their day' for me

All important precepts of the 'FISH' philosophy.

What really gets me is the whole 'what do you want' thing. What the fuck did she think an unhappy customer would want? An intelligent person would have suggested a small discount on their NEXT purchase, so that I would have had to actually buy something from them again to utilize it. But really, what did she think? Jeezus, Ok, lady, I want the fucking store! Pack it up, get out, you screwed up, Im taking over! Im in control now. Matts fucking flowers here! Oh, Im not done yet..I want your staff to immolate themselves, and I want you to publicly chop off your little finger, Yakuza style, to placate me. And while we're at it, I want all the flowers in this goddamn shop to start singing in 3 part harmony, a song praising ME, the unhappy customer. How about THAT, lady? HUH? How about THAT?

But they couldnt even give me a full refund. So, oh well.

Its probably a good thing I dont work in a flower shop